Defining Yourself in 21st Century America

Let's face the facts. Every one of man's great ideas has already been thought up and said. Plato introduced us to the Socratic method of inquiry and debate; Descartes argued that thought proves existence; Shakespeare transformed language to reintroduce age old paradoxes. Einstein and relativity, Copernicus' heliocentric model, Adam Smith's Wealth of Nations, Marx and Engels Communist Manifesto, Abraham, Christ, Mohammad, Lao Tzu, Mahatma Gandhi, Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Hume, Hegel, Freud, Darwin, Nietzsche, Galileo, Chaucer, King Jr, Henry VIII, X, ad infinitum. Such brilliant minds can seem overwhelming while living in 21st century America, a culture saturated in dreams and notions of defining the individual, of nurturing the growth and development of one's personality, of celebrating that each and every person is unique and special in his or her own unique and special way. In what manner do you separate yourself and make your mark on the world when everyone else is trying to do the same amidst a history in which everything has already been done? The answer may be easier than you think.Buy a t-shirt, get a tattoo, and express yourself, man!



T-shirts are perhaps the simplest way to express yourself without having to say anything at all. Designs and logos exist for an infinite number of personality indicators. There are t-shirts for the bands you love, t-shirts for the sports teams you root for, t-shirts for the soda or beer you prefer to drink, t-shirts for the auto maker that makes the auto you love or would love to drive, t-shirts with an image of your favorite animal printed on your favorite color, t-shirts for your school, church, town, city and state. And that's just the beginning of t-shirts, just a mere scratch on the surface of what makes you you. Buy a t-shirt with political rhetoric on it, and others will assume that you have a head full of arguments to support your stated position, that you've really thought this idea through, that you are not the man to mess with when it comes to abortion/race relations/the NRA/workers' rights, etc. Having trouble selling people on your sense of humor? Find yourself a t-shirt with a clever pun, something along the lines of "If aviation is wrong then I don't want to be Wright," or "Don't Mess with Tetris" with tetris blocks creating a silhouette of the state of Texas, or "Don't Blame Me, I Voted Bull Moose." Perhaps you were a total dickhead 15 years ago, and you struggle with the fact that you're still a total dickhead, only it's been 15 years and you have no true friends, no calling in life, no prospects and no plan on how to obtain any; each morning begins with looking at yourself in the mirror, despising what you see looking back at you, and you find this to be the fault of the queers, blacks and Jews. A voice from within haunts you, saying that if only you could transfer your thoughts from pen to paper, some sort of beautifully tragic Kafkaesque prose would flow forth, but then you realize the voice must be the voice of Satan, as you forgot what Kafkaesque meant 12 years ago after huffing gas from the tailpipe of your ATV. Git-r-done t-shirts say all of this and more!

Yet t-shirts don't come without their critics. The biggest argument against the t-shirt is its lasting effect. Sure it gives someone a quick glance into the inner workings of your mind, but it is only temporary, as according to hand, make and thread count, a t-shirt will generally last anywhere from one to seven years on average. A wardrobe overhaul allows the wearer to formulate new ideas and tastes every time a snag on a nail, moth infestation, or normal wear and tear may occur. While there is a certain amount of validity to the notion that man should always be open to change, that to be set in his ways signals the end of questioning, and thereby the end of debate, t-shirt opponents see the garment's lifespan as an excuse to live a non-committed lifestyle, to abandon one idea once the newer, sexier one comes along, and therefore to thwart human progress.

Enter the tattoo. Tattoos give personality permanence. There's no backing out from your thoughts, expressionism is eternal. Naturally, therefore, tattoos depict the stronger creeds of an individual, and no one ever regrets a tat. Allow me to give some common examples of killer ideas in ink. People have been known to have their child's name or face tattooed onto their bodies, most commonly on the wrist or over the heart, showing the world that they are proud to give in to their carnal desires, that they laugh in the face of the chaste and celibate, that they encourage and nurture creative flow by dreaming up a name for their child. Some tattoo marks of cultural pride, testaments to their ability to observe fickle differences. Often tattoos are expressed in an Asiatic language, a nod to centuries of philosophical questioning, a declaration of expressing without truly understanding what it is that's being expressed. Barbed wire to let your brute strength do the talking, lower back stamps signifying sexual trampdom, military insignia for letting others express for you, sports teams, bands, products from your youth, bar codes, crosses, James Joyce quotes, a coat-of-arms from the country that oppressed your great grandparents and forced them to flee in hopes of a better life in America, every clue that was inked onto the guy from Memento because perception is reality, a magic eight ball because you think you know what it implies, something like a dolphin on the foot because animals rule, a wedding ring around your ring finger because you gamble a lot.

Yet what if you like the look of the tattoo, but also prefer the feel and temporary nature of the t-shirt? Lucky for you this idea has been thought up, and for the cost of an overpriced t-shirt, you can style yourself in Ed Hardy attire. Ed Hardy screams personality. It screams I'm somewhat traditional, but I'm young, and phases totally kick ass. It screams I admire intricate patterns that look great on my upper left shoulder. It screams Luther nailing his 95 theses to cathedral walls, it screams Columbus dreaming the world is round, it screams Jeffersonian appeasements to pass a declaration. Ed Hardy screams "It's Saturday night, I got a pocketful of roofies, an eyeful of hoochies and an open tab at the bar on my dad's American Express, and you better believe I'll be the first in line for communion tomorrow morning."

Here in 21st century America, if you cannot find a voice in t-shirts, tattoos or Ed Hardy, your options for expression are limited to four choices. (1) Become the most influential Professor of History at the most influential university in the nation and formulate an argument declaring that the Enlightenment was highly overrated. (2) Wait with eager anticipation for an Orwellian future to become reality and become the director of the Thought Police. (3) Get married. Nobody cares what a married man thinks, not even the married man. (4) Blame science. It's worked for thoughtless individuals for the past 500 years--who's to say it can't work for another 500?