"I'M VOTING FOR KIDS," reads the sticker on the front door of the house I pass by on foot each day on my way home from work. Something about this sticker stirs up emotions within me that I cannot quite place a finger upon, whether it's patriotism, personal pride, or simple logic and the rationale of knowing what is right and what is wrong. Whatever the explanation, upon each pass I become incredibly compelled to walk up the steps of the front porch, ring the door bell, and have a friendly, and informative, conversation with the owner of the house. If he/she is simply being facetious, that's one thing, but if not, then someone badly needs to inform this person that children, even if placed on a ballot, cannot hold public office.
Now I won't pretend to be above falling for such misconceptions. I've done it myself. It just takes one of those heart-warming commercials with absolutely adorable kids dressed as adults acting out in very adult manners to convince you that such a world might not be a bad place. Picture it. Boys in three piece suits, patent leather wing tip shoes, argyle socks, stainless steel coffee mug in one hand and brief case in the other. Or girls.Young girls in power suits, two inch high heels, power vests, a Blackberry touch screen in one hand, the handle to one of those travel suitcases on wheels in the other. Boardrooms filled with kids spinning round and round in swivel chairs. Naps being taken on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. Office furniture made from Lego. Business cards with a heart over the "i" or a properly placed backwards "e." Kids taking blue tooth phone calls from their mothers in New Havensbrook while furiously stuck in rush hour traffic. Kids trading tales of the days Bears and Bulls over a couple of dry martinis during happy hour. Kids picking up their kids from daycare and dropping them off at Little League practice.
It sounds too cute for words, doesn't it? Of course it does. But this is the regular business world I'm describing, and not the world of politics. Do you really want a child in charge of the Department of Health and Human Services? Children are crawling with diseases. They're despicable little germ traps. How can you trust someone who hates baths, never washes his hands, and regularly ingests items such as glue, dirt and less frightening insects to head up what is essentially the nation's hygiene program? Or how about the Department of Transportation? Imagine how much of the taxpayers' money would go to waist funding programs to build rocket cars. The department of defense would be up in arms figuring out ways to defend against Decepticons and Lord Voldemort, while the Department of Agriculture would be busy playing Farm each and every day, alternating between whose turn it is to play the angry farmer and who gets to play the spunky and lovable barnyard animals that soften his hardened heart. Don't get me started on the damage that would be done to the Bureau of Indian Affairs, as lil' sheriffs, young deputies and renegade posse leaders take control and reverse the already slow progress of civil rights and land appropriations to our nation's indigenous by opting to hunt down all Injuns.
What about other government sponsored programs? It breaks my heart picturing a court room full of crying jurors, lawyers and judges over their bitter disappointment when breaking for recess isn't as literal as they'd hope. Criminals would be virtually unstoppable as police officers in pursuit merely yell "FREEZE!", point their finger at the perpetrator and shout out "BANG! BANG!" (pause, pause, pause) "BANG BANG BANG!" Tax audits in shambles because the auditors forgot to carry the one. Medicaid distributed on a bully versus bullied basis, welfare handed out to those deemed the coolest, the state lottery commission forced to deal with hissy fits as each losing participant cries that he/she has been cheated, the military allowing only one girl per unit, and even then only because she's someone's cousin so it's okay. The DMV most likely will run a little smoother.
Sounds pretty scary, huh? So why don't I ever ring this person's door to warn them of the dangers of voting for an all children's government?Posted to the left of the "I'M VOTING FOR KIDS" sticker on the front door is another sign, this one reading MAIL SLOT with an arrow pointing down, just above the actual mail slot. Now I can draw a few conclusions from this. First, any person who feels the need to insult a postal worker's intelligence by labeling the clearly visible mail slot with a sign saying MAIL SLOT clearly has issues, and perhaps it'd be best to let those issues be resolved by the postal worker. Second, maybe the owner of the house is convinced that a children's government is already in place, as unintelligent postal workers would be the byproduct of a generation educated by child teachers. Third, and perhaps scariest of all, is that the owner is a prophet of some sort, awaiting a children's revolution, fearful of the future leaders and the havoc they will bestow upon an insubordinate citizen. Sure such a government would never bear any legality, but if there's one thing kids' love it's pissing and pissing hard on the constitution.
