Dear Guy who writes crossword puzzles for a living:
I have a series of questions for you, of which I request that you answer in chronological order.
How does one become a crossword puzzle creator? Is there a specific college or secondary school program that one must graduate from? And if so, do numerous colleges possess accreditation, or are a student's options fairly limited when choosing a university? Is the coursework rigorous? Is the program conservative, liberal, or a steady diet of the two? Would you consider the program to be more cut throat or fraternal? And if there is no specified program, then what types of classes should one take independently to prepare for his/her career?
Did you always aspire to create crosswords for a living? Did your parents try to steer you away from your path, or were they overall encouraging and supportive of your dreams? If the former, then have they since come to accept your lifestyle? Or are they embarrassed by your choice? Do they think you're just going through a phase? And are they accurate with such an assumption? Do they tell lies to friends and family about your vocation? Do they simply say, "Oh, _____, he works for the papers, but I still don't completely understand what he does there, even after he's explained it to me a thousand times," or are they more elaborate in their evasions, perhaps placing you far away from the media industry or ignoring the question altogether?
Is there such a thing as crossword writer's block? Is the pressure to meet deadlines overwhelming at times? Do you ever pull all-nighters? Do you ever cheat to meet deadlines? How so? By reusing answers from previous puzzles? By plagiarizing the works of others? By lying about the definition of a word? By changing a word's standarized spelling and then convincing the public that they are wrong about it? Do you occassionally blow your respective paycheck on vast amounts of cocaine to keep the ideas coming, to allow the narcotic's sweet nectar to satiate and unleash the muse from within? Who is your muse? And if you don't use cocaine, then what is your drug of choice? Marijuana to relax you from the pressure? Heroin to numb you from the puzzle, to distance yourself emotiioanlly from your work, to allow the puzzle to become what it was meant to become rather than forcing your own personal agenda upon it? Hallucinogens to allow your mind to expand and explore all possible options, to envision the puzzle right before your very eyes, to test the boundaries of what it means to be crossword? Crystal meth to score soccer moms, as you work for a community newspaper? Ecstasy to take pleasure in all of the sensations and feelings that a crossword puzzle can provide?
What do you think of Soduku? Are you any good at it?
Is there a hierarchical order to the crossword puzzle creators' world? Are there movers and shakers, outcasts and losers? Were there creators you looked up to as a child? Any you aspired to be? Are you ever blown away by someone else's work? Do you look down upon a fellow creator if you easily solve their puzzle? Are you jealous of one if you cannot solve the puzzle? Does some young blood inevitably come along every few years that makes you think perhaps it's time to throw in the towel? Are your colleagues initally awed by this whipper snapper, causing you to feel disposable and that your life was, after all, insignificant? Do the two of you battle it out by any means necessary for a significant amount of time, until Eureka!, there's lessons that you can learn from him and there's lessons that he can learn from you, and it takes some profound moment to transform the two of you into lifelong friends? Isn't that a bit cliched? Are there any sort of hazing rituals that one should expect when becomming a rookie crossword puzzle creator? Does the hazing involve some sort of snipe hunt for crossworders, in which the new creator is convinced that somewhere out there lies a clue for the snipe to be the answer, and he cannot garner any respect until he finds that definition?
Are there any Freudian undertones to your work? Is creating a puzzle with longer or multiple word answers seen as compensating for inferior sexual prowess?Are puzzles with greater emphasis on vertical answers considered phallic? Do you date? If so, how quickly into a relationship do you disclose your profession? Are there crossword pickup lines? Do they usually contain crude references to filling in her boxes for her? Or are such lines deemed hackneyed and trite? Do you ever compare and contrast the ideas expressed in author Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, wherein the Holy Grail becomes a metaphor for the vessel, or womb, that carries the blood of Christ, with your predominantly horizontal puzzles and their relationship to oediapl complexes? Why or why not?
Is there anything you don't know? What? How would you describe your fan base? Do you receive more fan mail or hate mail? Or no mail at all? Do you suffer, or fear that one day you may suffer, from Carpal Tunnel's Syndrome? Is there a vast difference between working for a rural paper versus an urban one? Are answers that refer to Charles Darwin's Theory of Evolution by Natural Selection barred from appearing in the Kansas City Star? Do you work with a PC or a Mac? Is there a template on your computer that you use to cut and paste your answers into? Or do you not even use a computer? Then do you write the old-fashioned way, hammering out puzzles on your ever trustworthy Remington Rand electric typewriter? Are you adequately prepared for the transition to a predominantly paperless media? What diseases, if any, are you more susceptible to? Did the crossword puzzle that appeared in the Chicago Tribune on November 3, 1948 follow suit to the day's headline, having the clue for number 34 across state something along the lines of "US President whose chronological rank matches this clue's number," with Dewey as the answer? If so, is the puzzle considered a collector's item? And is it deemed more valuable if the answer has or has not been filled in? Are you capable of love? Can you place all of your answers in the form of a crossword puzzle itself? If not, why? Are you not good enough to? Not up for the challenge? Then why did you become a crossword puzzle creator in the first place, huh?
Thank you for your time and consideration, as I eagerly await your response.
Sincerely,
Nicholas Jon Perez
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