Let's face the facts. Every one of man's great ideas has already been thought up and said. Plato introduced us to the Socratic method of inquiry and debate; Descartes argued that thought proves existence; Shakespeare transformed language to reintroduce age old paradoxes. Einstein and relativity, Copernicus' heliocentric model, Adam Smith's Wealth of Nations, Marx and Engels Communist Manifesto, Abraham, Christ, Mohammad, Lao Tzu, Mahatma Gandhi, Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Hume, Hegel, Freud, Darwin, Nietzsche, Galileo, Chaucer, King Jr, Henry VIII, X, ad infinitum. Such brilliant minds can seem overwhelming while living in 21st century America, a culture saturated in dreams and notions of defining the individual, of nurturing the growth and development of one's personality, of celebrating that each and every person is unique and special in his or her own unique and special way. In what manner do you separate yourself and make your mark on the world when everyone else is trying to do the same amidst a history in which everything has already been done? The answer may be easier than you think.Buy a t-shirt, get a tattoo, and express yourself, man!
T-shirts are perhaps the simplest way to express yourself without having to say anything at all. Designs and logos exist for an infinite number of personality indicators. There are t-shirts for the bands you love, t-shirts for the sports teams you root for, t-shirts for the soda or beer you prefer to drink, t-shirts for the auto maker that makes the auto you love or would love to drive, t-shirts with an image of your favorite animal printed on your favorite color, t-shirts for your school, church, town, city and state. And that's just the beginning of t-shirts, just a mere scratch on the surface of what makes you you. Buy a t-shirt with political rhetoric on it, and others will assume that you have a head full of arguments to support your stated position, that you've really thought this idea through, that you are not the man to mess with when it comes to abortion/race relations/the NRA/workers' rights, etc. Having trouble selling people on your sense of humor? Find yourself a t-shirt with a clever pun, something along the lines of "If aviation is wrong then I don't want to be Wright," or "Don't Mess with Tetris" with tetris blocks creating a silhouette of the state of Texas, or "Don't Blame Me, I Voted Bull Moose." Perhaps you were a total dickhead 15 years ago, and you struggle with the fact that you're still a total dickhead, only it's been 15 years and you have no true friends, no calling in life, no prospects and no plan on how to obtain any; each morning begins with looking at yourself in the mirror, despising what you see looking back at you, and you find this to be the fault of the queers, blacks and Jews. A voice from within haunts you, saying that if only you could transfer your thoughts from pen to paper, some sort of beautifully tragic Kafkaesque prose would flow forth, but then you realize the voice must be the voice of Satan, as you forgot what Kafkaesque meant 12 years ago after huffing gas from the tailpipe of your ATV. Git-r-done t-shirts say all of this and more!
Yet t-shirts don't come without their critics. The biggest argument against the t-shirt is its lasting effect. Sure it gives someone a quick glance into the inner workings of your mind, but it is only temporary, as according to hand, make and thread count, a t-shirt will generally last anywhere from one to seven years on average. A wardrobe overhaul allows the wearer to formulate new ideas and tastes every time a snag on a nail, moth infestation, or normal wear and tear may occur. While there is a certain amount of validity to the notion that man should always be open to change, that to be set in his ways signals the end of questioning, and thereby the end of debate, t-shirt opponents see the garment's lifespan as an excuse to live a non-committed lifestyle, to abandon one idea once the newer, sexier one comes along, and therefore to thwart human progress.
Enter the tattoo. Tattoos give personality permanence. There's no backing out from your thoughts, expressionism is eternal. Naturally, therefore, tattoos depict the stronger creeds of an individual, and no one ever regrets a tat. Allow me to give some common examples of killer ideas in ink. People have been known to have their child's name or face tattooed onto their bodies, most commonly on the wrist or over the heart, showing the world that they are proud to give in to their carnal desires, that they laugh in the face of the chaste and celibate, that they encourage and nurture creative flow by dreaming up a name for their child. Some tattoo marks of cultural pride, testaments to their ability to observe fickle differences. Often tattoos are expressed in an Asiatic language, a nod to centuries of philosophical questioning, a declaration of expressing without truly understanding what it is that's being expressed. Barbed wire to let your brute strength do the talking, lower back stamps signifying sexual trampdom, military insignia for letting others express for you, sports teams, bands, products from your youth, bar codes, crosses, James Joyce quotes, a coat-of-arms from the country that oppressed your great grandparents and forced them to flee in hopes of a better life in America, every clue that was inked onto the guy from Memento because perception is reality, a magic eight ball because you think you know what it implies, something like a dolphin on the foot because animals rule, a wedding ring around your ring finger because you gamble a lot.
Yet what if you like the look of the tattoo, but also prefer the feel and temporary nature of the t-shirt? Lucky for you this idea has been thought up, and for the cost of an overpriced t-shirt, you can style yourself in Ed Hardy attire. Ed Hardy screams personality. It screams I'm somewhat traditional, but I'm young, and phases totally kick ass. It screams I admire intricate patterns that look great on my upper left shoulder. It screams Luther nailing his 95 theses to cathedral walls, it screams Columbus dreaming the world is round, it screams Jeffersonian appeasements to pass a declaration. Ed Hardy screams "It's Saturday night, I got a pocketful of roofies, an eyeful of hoochies and an open tab at the bar on my dad's American Express, and you better believe I'll be the first in line for communion tomorrow morning."
Here in 21st century America, if you cannot find a voice in t-shirts, tattoos or Ed Hardy, your options for expression are limited to four choices. (1) Become the most influential Professor of History at the most influential university in the nation and formulate an argument declaring that the Enlightenment was highly overrated. (2) Wait with eager anticipation for an Orwellian future to become reality and become the director of the Thought Police. (3) Get married. Nobody cares what a married man thinks, not even the married man. (4) Blame science. It's worked for thoughtless individuals for the past 500 years--who's to say it can't work for another 500?
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The Political Impact of Children
"I'M VOTING FOR KIDS," reads the sticker on the front door of the house I pass by on foot each day on my way home from work. Something about this sticker stirs up emotions within me that I cannot quite place a finger upon, whether it's patriotism, personal pride, or simple logic and the rationale of knowing what is right and what is wrong. Whatever the explanation, upon each pass I become incredibly compelled to walk up the steps of the front porch, ring the door bell, and have a friendly, and informative, conversation with the owner of the house. If he/she is simply being facetious, that's one thing, but if not, then someone badly needs to inform this person that children, even if placed on a ballot, cannot hold public office.
Now I won't pretend to be above falling for such misconceptions. I've done it myself. It just takes one of those heart-warming commercials with absolutely adorable kids dressed as adults acting out in very adult manners to convince you that such a world might not be a bad place. Picture it. Boys in three piece suits, patent leather wing tip shoes, argyle socks, stainless steel coffee mug in one hand and brief case in the other. Or girls.Young girls in power suits, two inch high heels, power vests, a Blackberry touch screen in one hand, the handle to one of those travel suitcases on wheels in the other. Boardrooms filled with kids spinning round and round in swivel chairs. Naps being taken on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. Office furniture made from Lego. Business cards with a heart over the "i" or a properly placed backwards "e." Kids taking blue tooth phone calls from their mothers in New Havensbrook while furiously stuck in rush hour traffic. Kids trading tales of the days Bears and Bulls over a couple of dry martinis during happy hour. Kids picking up their kids from daycare and dropping them off at Little League practice.
It sounds too cute for words, doesn't it? Of course it does. But this is the regular business world I'm describing, and not the world of politics. Do you really want a child in charge of the Department of Health and Human Services? Children are crawling with diseases. They're despicable little germ traps. How can you trust someone who hates baths, never washes his hands, and regularly ingests items such as glue, dirt and less frightening insects to head up what is essentially the nation's hygiene program? Or how about the Department of Transportation? Imagine how much of the taxpayers' money would go to waist funding programs to build rocket cars. The department of defense would be up in arms figuring out ways to defend against Decepticons and Lord Voldemort, while the Department of Agriculture would be busy playing Farm each and every day, alternating between whose turn it is to play the angry farmer and who gets to play the spunky and lovable barnyard animals that soften his hardened heart. Don't get me started on the damage that would be done to the Bureau of Indian Affairs, as lil' sheriffs, young deputies and renegade posse leaders take control and reverse the already slow progress of civil rights and land appropriations to our nation's indigenous by opting to hunt down all Injuns.
What about other government sponsored programs? It breaks my heart picturing a court room full of crying jurors, lawyers and judges over their bitter disappointment when breaking for recess isn't as literal as they'd hope. Criminals would be virtually unstoppable as police officers in pursuit merely yell "FREEZE!", point their finger at the perpetrator and shout out "BANG! BANG!" (pause, pause, pause) "BANG BANG BANG!" Tax audits in shambles because the auditors forgot to carry the one. Medicaid distributed on a bully versus bullied basis, welfare handed out to those deemed the coolest, the state lottery commission forced to deal with hissy fits as each losing participant cries that he/she has been cheated, the military allowing only one girl per unit, and even then only because she's someone's cousin so it's okay. The DMV most likely will run a little smoother.
Sounds pretty scary, huh? So why don't I ever ring this person's door to warn them of the dangers of voting for an all children's government?Posted to the left of the "I'M VOTING FOR KIDS" sticker on the front door is another sign, this one reading MAIL SLOT with an arrow pointing down, just above the actual mail slot. Now I can draw a few conclusions from this. First, any person who feels the need to insult a postal worker's intelligence by labeling the clearly visible mail slot with a sign saying MAIL SLOT clearly has issues, and perhaps it'd be best to let those issues be resolved by the postal worker. Second, maybe the owner of the house is convinced that a children's government is already in place, as unintelligent postal workers would be the byproduct of a generation educated by child teachers. Third, and perhaps scariest of all, is that the owner is a prophet of some sort, awaiting a children's revolution, fearful of the future leaders and the havoc they will bestow upon an insubordinate citizen. Sure such a government would never bear any legality, but if there's one thing kids' love it's pissing and pissing hard on the constitution.
Now I won't pretend to be above falling for such misconceptions. I've done it myself. It just takes one of those heart-warming commercials with absolutely adorable kids dressed as adults acting out in very adult manners to convince you that such a world might not be a bad place. Picture it. Boys in three piece suits, patent leather wing tip shoes, argyle socks, stainless steel coffee mug in one hand and brief case in the other. Or girls.Young girls in power suits, two inch high heels, power vests, a Blackberry touch screen in one hand, the handle to one of those travel suitcases on wheels in the other. Boardrooms filled with kids spinning round and round in swivel chairs. Naps being taken on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. Office furniture made from Lego. Business cards with a heart over the "i" or a properly placed backwards "e." Kids taking blue tooth phone calls from their mothers in New Havensbrook while furiously stuck in rush hour traffic. Kids trading tales of the days Bears and Bulls over a couple of dry martinis during happy hour. Kids picking up their kids from daycare and dropping them off at Little League practice.
It sounds too cute for words, doesn't it? Of course it does. But this is the regular business world I'm describing, and not the world of politics. Do you really want a child in charge of the Department of Health and Human Services? Children are crawling with diseases. They're despicable little germ traps. How can you trust someone who hates baths, never washes his hands, and regularly ingests items such as glue, dirt and less frightening insects to head up what is essentially the nation's hygiene program? Or how about the Department of Transportation? Imagine how much of the taxpayers' money would go to waist funding programs to build rocket cars. The department of defense would be up in arms figuring out ways to defend against Decepticons and Lord Voldemort, while the Department of Agriculture would be busy playing Farm each and every day, alternating between whose turn it is to play the angry farmer and who gets to play the spunky and lovable barnyard animals that soften his hardened heart. Don't get me started on the damage that would be done to the Bureau of Indian Affairs, as lil' sheriffs, young deputies and renegade posse leaders take control and reverse the already slow progress of civil rights and land appropriations to our nation's indigenous by opting to hunt down all Injuns.
What about other government sponsored programs? It breaks my heart picturing a court room full of crying jurors, lawyers and judges over their bitter disappointment when breaking for recess isn't as literal as they'd hope. Criminals would be virtually unstoppable as police officers in pursuit merely yell "FREEZE!", point their finger at the perpetrator and shout out "BANG! BANG!" (pause, pause, pause) "BANG BANG BANG!" Tax audits in shambles because the auditors forgot to carry the one. Medicaid distributed on a bully versus bullied basis, welfare handed out to those deemed the coolest, the state lottery commission forced to deal with hissy fits as each losing participant cries that he/she has been cheated, the military allowing only one girl per unit, and even then only because she's someone's cousin so it's okay. The DMV most likely will run a little smoother.
Sounds pretty scary, huh? So why don't I ever ring this person's door to warn them of the dangers of voting for an all children's government?Posted to the left of the "I'M VOTING FOR KIDS" sticker on the front door is another sign, this one reading MAIL SLOT with an arrow pointing down, just above the actual mail slot. Now I can draw a few conclusions from this. First, any person who feels the need to insult a postal worker's intelligence by labeling the clearly visible mail slot with a sign saying MAIL SLOT clearly has issues, and perhaps it'd be best to let those issues be resolved by the postal worker. Second, maybe the owner of the house is convinced that a children's government is already in place, as unintelligent postal workers would be the byproduct of a generation educated by child teachers. Third, and perhaps scariest of all, is that the owner is a prophet of some sort, awaiting a children's revolution, fearful of the future leaders and the havoc they will bestow upon an insubordinate citizen. Sure such a government would never bear any legality, but if there's one thing kids' love it's pissing and pissing hard on the constitution.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
An Open Letter to the Guy Who Writes Crossword Puzzles for a Living
Dear Guy who writes crossword puzzles for a living:
I have a series of questions for you, of which I request that you answer in chronological order.
How does one become a crossword puzzle creator? Is there a specific college or secondary school program that one must graduate from? And if so, do numerous colleges possess accreditation, or are a student's options fairly limited when choosing a university? Is the coursework rigorous? Is the program conservative, liberal, or a steady diet of the two? Would you consider the program to be more cut throat or fraternal? And if there is no specified program, then what types of classes should one take independently to prepare for his/her career?
Did you always aspire to create crosswords for a living? Did your parents try to steer you away from your path, or were they overall encouraging and supportive of your dreams? If the former, then have they since come to accept your lifestyle? Or are they embarrassed by your choice? Do they think you're just going through a phase? And are they accurate with such an assumption? Do they tell lies to friends and family about your vocation? Do they simply say, "Oh, _____, he works for the papers, but I still don't completely understand what he does there, even after he's explained it to me a thousand times," or are they more elaborate in their evasions, perhaps placing you far away from the media industry or ignoring the question altogether?
Is there such a thing as crossword writer's block? Is the pressure to meet deadlines overwhelming at times? Do you ever pull all-nighters? Do you ever cheat to meet deadlines? How so? By reusing answers from previous puzzles? By plagiarizing the works of others? By lying about the definition of a word? By changing a word's standarized spelling and then convincing the public that they are wrong about it? Do you occassionally blow your respective paycheck on vast amounts of cocaine to keep the ideas coming, to allow the narcotic's sweet nectar to satiate and unleash the muse from within? Who is your muse? And if you don't use cocaine, then what is your drug of choice? Marijuana to relax you from the pressure? Heroin to numb you from the puzzle, to distance yourself emotiioanlly from your work, to allow the puzzle to become what it was meant to become rather than forcing your own personal agenda upon it? Hallucinogens to allow your mind to expand and explore all possible options, to envision the puzzle right before your very eyes, to test the boundaries of what it means to be crossword? Crystal meth to score soccer moms, as you work for a community newspaper? Ecstasy to take pleasure in all of the sensations and feelings that a crossword puzzle can provide?
What do you think of Soduku? Are you any good at it?
Is there a hierarchical order to the crossword puzzle creators' world? Are there movers and shakers, outcasts and losers? Were there creators you looked up to as a child? Any you aspired to be? Are you ever blown away by someone else's work? Do you look down upon a fellow creator if you easily solve their puzzle? Are you jealous of one if you cannot solve the puzzle? Does some young blood inevitably come along every few years that makes you think perhaps it's time to throw in the towel? Are your colleagues initally awed by this whipper snapper, causing you to feel disposable and that your life was, after all, insignificant? Do the two of you battle it out by any means necessary for a significant amount of time, until Eureka!, there's lessons that you can learn from him and there's lessons that he can learn from you, and it takes some profound moment to transform the two of you into lifelong friends? Isn't that a bit cliched? Are there any sort of hazing rituals that one should expect when becomming a rookie crossword puzzle creator? Does the hazing involve some sort of snipe hunt for crossworders, in which the new creator is convinced that somewhere out there lies a clue for the snipe to be the answer, and he cannot garner any respect until he finds that definition?
Are there any Freudian undertones to your work? Is creating a puzzle with longer or multiple word answers seen as compensating for inferior sexual prowess?Are puzzles with greater emphasis on vertical answers considered phallic? Do you date? If so, how quickly into a relationship do you disclose your profession? Are there crossword pickup lines? Do they usually contain crude references to filling in her boxes for her? Or are such lines deemed hackneyed and trite? Do you ever compare and contrast the ideas expressed in author Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, wherein the Holy Grail becomes a metaphor for the vessel, or womb, that carries the blood of Christ, with your predominantly horizontal puzzles and their relationship to oediapl complexes? Why or why not?
Is there anything you don't know? What? How would you describe your fan base? Do you receive more fan mail or hate mail? Or no mail at all? Do you suffer, or fear that one day you may suffer, from Carpal Tunnel's Syndrome? Is there a vast difference between working for a rural paper versus an urban one? Are answers that refer to Charles Darwin's Theory of Evolution by Natural Selection barred from appearing in the Kansas City Star? Do you work with a PC or a Mac? Is there a template on your computer that you use to cut and paste your answers into? Or do you not even use a computer? Then do you write the old-fashioned way, hammering out puzzles on your ever trustworthy Remington Rand electric typewriter? Are you adequately prepared for the transition to a predominantly paperless media? What diseases, if any, are you more susceptible to? Did the crossword puzzle that appeared in the Chicago Tribune on November 3, 1948 follow suit to the day's headline, having the clue for number 34 across state something along the lines of "US President whose chronological rank matches this clue's number," with Dewey as the answer? If so, is the puzzle considered a collector's item? And is it deemed more valuable if the answer has or has not been filled in? Are you capable of love? Can you place all of your answers in the form of a crossword puzzle itself? If not, why? Are you not good enough to? Not up for the challenge? Then why did you become a crossword puzzle creator in the first place, huh?
Thank you for your time and consideration, as I eagerly await your response.
Sincerely,
Nicholas Jon Perez
I have a series of questions for you, of which I request that you answer in chronological order.
How does one become a crossword puzzle creator? Is there a specific college or secondary school program that one must graduate from? And if so, do numerous colleges possess accreditation, or are a student's options fairly limited when choosing a university? Is the coursework rigorous? Is the program conservative, liberal, or a steady diet of the two? Would you consider the program to be more cut throat or fraternal? And if there is no specified program, then what types of classes should one take independently to prepare for his/her career?
Did you always aspire to create crosswords for a living? Did your parents try to steer you away from your path, or were they overall encouraging and supportive of your dreams? If the former, then have they since come to accept your lifestyle? Or are they embarrassed by your choice? Do they think you're just going through a phase? And are they accurate with such an assumption? Do they tell lies to friends and family about your vocation? Do they simply say, "Oh, _____, he works for the papers, but I still don't completely understand what he does there, even after he's explained it to me a thousand times," or are they more elaborate in their evasions, perhaps placing you far away from the media industry or ignoring the question altogether?
Is there such a thing as crossword writer's block? Is the pressure to meet deadlines overwhelming at times? Do you ever pull all-nighters? Do you ever cheat to meet deadlines? How so? By reusing answers from previous puzzles? By plagiarizing the works of others? By lying about the definition of a word? By changing a word's standarized spelling and then convincing the public that they are wrong about it? Do you occassionally blow your respective paycheck on vast amounts of cocaine to keep the ideas coming, to allow the narcotic's sweet nectar to satiate and unleash the muse from within? Who is your muse? And if you don't use cocaine, then what is your drug of choice? Marijuana to relax you from the pressure? Heroin to numb you from the puzzle, to distance yourself emotiioanlly from your work, to allow the puzzle to become what it was meant to become rather than forcing your own personal agenda upon it? Hallucinogens to allow your mind to expand and explore all possible options, to envision the puzzle right before your very eyes, to test the boundaries of what it means to be crossword? Crystal meth to score soccer moms, as you work for a community newspaper? Ecstasy to take pleasure in all of the sensations and feelings that a crossword puzzle can provide?
What do you think of Soduku? Are you any good at it?
Is there a hierarchical order to the crossword puzzle creators' world? Are there movers and shakers, outcasts and losers? Were there creators you looked up to as a child? Any you aspired to be? Are you ever blown away by someone else's work? Do you look down upon a fellow creator if you easily solve their puzzle? Are you jealous of one if you cannot solve the puzzle? Does some young blood inevitably come along every few years that makes you think perhaps it's time to throw in the towel? Are your colleagues initally awed by this whipper snapper, causing you to feel disposable and that your life was, after all, insignificant? Do the two of you battle it out by any means necessary for a significant amount of time, until Eureka!, there's lessons that you can learn from him and there's lessons that he can learn from you, and it takes some profound moment to transform the two of you into lifelong friends? Isn't that a bit cliched? Are there any sort of hazing rituals that one should expect when becomming a rookie crossword puzzle creator? Does the hazing involve some sort of snipe hunt for crossworders, in which the new creator is convinced that somewhere out there lies a clue for the snipe to be the answer, and he cannot garner any respect until he finds that definition?
Are there any Freudian undertones to your work? Is creating a puzzle with longer or multiple word answers seen as compensating for inferior sexual prowess?Are puzzles with greater emphasis on vertical answers considered phallic? Do you date? If so, how quickly into a relationship do you disclose your profession? Are there crossword pickup lines? Do they usually contain crude references to filling in her boxes for her? Or are such lines deemed hackneyed and trite? Do you ever compare and contrast the ideas expressed in author Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, wherein the Holy Grail becomes a metaphor for the vessel, or womb, that carries the blood of Christ, with your predominantly horizontal puzzles and their relationship to oediapl complexes? Why or why not?
Is there anything you don't know? What? How would you describe your fan base? Do you receive more fan mail or hate mail? Or no mail at all? Do you suffer, or fear that one day you may suffer, from Carpal Tunnel's Syndrome? Is there a vast difference between working for a rural paper versus an urban one? Are answers that refer to Charles Darwin's Theory of Evolution by Natural Selection barred from appearing in the Kansas City Star? Do you work with a PC or a Mac? Is there a template on your computer that you use to cut and paste your answers into? Or do you not even use a computer? Then do you write the old-fashioned way, hammering out puzzles on your ever trustworthy Remington Rand electric typewriter? Are you adequately prepared for the transition to a predominantly paperless media? What diseases, if any, are you more susceptible to? Did the crossword puzzle that appeared in the Chicago Tribune on November 3, 1948 follow suit to the day's headline, having the clue for number 34 across state something along the lines of "US President whose chronological rank matches this clue's number," with Dewey as the answer? If so, is the puzzle considered a collector's item? And is it deemed more valuable if the answer has or has not been filled in? Are you capable of love? Can you place all of your answers in the form of a crossword puzzle itself? If not, why? Are you not good enough to? Not up for the challenge? Then why did you become a crossword puzzle creator in the first place, huh?
Thank you for your time and consideration, as I eagerly await your response.
Sincerely,
Nicholas Jon Perez
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