To My Unborn Child:
Relax, for if things go according to plan, I will not be conceiving you tonight. Now don’t get upset, as it’s nothing personal. What would have been your mother and I have been drinking a bit tonight, and we both just need a little responsible release here. How much have we been drinking, you would like to ask? Enough so that we hired a taxi service to drive us home tonight, enough so that we played quite a bit of slap and tickle in the backseat of this hired taxi service’s cab, enough so that we’re both busting at the seams and sweating profusely with pure carnal desire, but NOT so much that we are completely oblivious to what could be the consequences of rolling in the sheets without first taking the proper precautions. Which explains why I, what would have been your father, am walking to the nearest CVS pharmacy at 2:15 in the morning to purchase prophylactics.
Sure, buying prophylactics isn’t such a big deal for most people, but that’s because most people buying prophylactics aren't married men. Yet here I am, stumbling through the aisles of the drug store, comparing prices and doing clumsy math in my inebriated mind, trying to find out which box of condoms provides the best comfort with the greatest number of units at the lowest possible cost while still guaranteeing no seepage. I select the 36 pack of Ultra Ribbed Lubricated Latex Trojans, and proceed to the register. Why the 36 pack, you would like to ask? Because I didn’t make this trip for nothing, and you better believe that I’m not about to return home to what would have been your mother and have one or two or three of these suckers snap instantaneously as alcohol and excitement cause me to lose focus and get all careless, thereby leaving me with only one choice…walking straight back to CVS to buy another pack of prophylactics. If I plan on not conceiving you tonight, then I’m going to do it right.
So it’s off to the register, where CVS cashiers find sheer terror in drunken married men buying a 36 pack of Trojans at two in the morning. Perhaps they see my ring and assume I’m an adulterer, and then think of having me tailed to see which hussy’s house I return to, and then following me home when I’m done so that the next time I leave my house they can tell my wife about the pig she’s married to. And then when I arrive back at home, my wife would tell me the story, and the two of us would laugh over the presumptions of such suspicious people. It's the kind of story we'd love to share with our children one day, which of course will not include you, should tonight go according to plan.
"But why," you'd like to ask, "would a married couple need condoms in the first place? Why isn't what would have been my mother simply on the pill?" Well, genius, ever hear of something called an antibiotic? And do you know what happens when a woman on the pill takes antibiotics? Little mistakes like you, that's what! "Well, then, if you don't want to have a kid, and the pill is ineffective, why don't you just partake in oral stimulation or mutual masturbation," you'd like to ask? First off, what difference would it make to you? Whether it's intercourse or not, you're not going to be making it through to the other side. Furthermore, we're married professionals, not young dumb nineteen year old amateurs, meaning that oral and mutual are tools of foreplay meant to tease and titillate before the main event. Were you even paying attention earlier? This whole thing started with a little slap and tickle in the backseat of a cab, so it's certainly not going to end with more slap and tickle in the bedroom. Are all gametes this dense? If so, it's no wonder no one gives you a second thought, not even God, because the last time I checked, He's not even letting you into Limbo.
Walking home from CVS, I think of all of the things you will never have the chance to do with me. I will never play a game of catch with you. I will never teach you how to ride a bike or drive a car. I will never teach you about the facts of life. I will never take you to Disney World, or even Branson. I will never dress up as Santa Clause at Christmas or the Easter Bunny at Easter to nurture your childlike wonder. I will never teach you how to diagram a sentence or solve for linear equations. I will never break my bones to send you away to a university just so that you can piss away my savings by getting drunk and stoned everyday, inevitably leading to your academic dismissal. I will never leave you in jail overnight to teach you one of life's several valuable lessons. I will never teach you how to kill wildlife with your bare hands. I will never teach you to fear homosexuals by signing you up for the Boy Scouts. I will never teach you the Three Laws of Robotics created by the late Isaac Asimov. I will never introduce you to your mother.
I could go on, but I just returned home, and what would have been your mother did not pass out while I was away at CVS, which means it's time I wrap this up. That's called a double entendre. You'll never get the chance to know what that means. Unless you're reading this, in which case, Surprise! You're our little miracle boy, you defied all odds, you are what your mother is referencing whenever she says "the only safe sex is no sex." Please don't resent me. You could have been aborted. But alas, your mother might be a hypocritical Catholic, but she's not that hypocritical of a Catholic. Oh, and if you're a girl, please disregard all of this. You are my little princess, an angel descended upon Earth, and I will irrationally protect your so-called virtue and honor by threatening the lives of prepubescent boys, and heedlessly purchasing and bragging about my handgun.
Sincerely Yours,
Nicholas J Perez
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
A Complete Guide to Chicago Living
First and foremost, the utmost apologies to my loyal readers for my failure to produce any writing last week. I was recently commissioned by the city of Chicago to create an introductory welcome pamphlet for new city residents, with the intent of targeting Caucasians from the ages of 18-35. Working under a strict deadline to complete this project, I spent the past week and a half frantically pounding away at my keyboard, repeatedly researching, editing and revising. Regardless of if the city uses this piece or not, I am damn proud of it, and wish to share it in the hopes that it will lead to a few of you considering a move to this fine metropolitan area. Without further ado, here is The Complete Guide to Chicago Living.
Greetings, and Welcome to Chicago!
First things first. While we know you are anxious to settle in and explore all of the beauty and wonder that our fine city has to offer, we cannot allow you to begin without first looking the part. Therefore we kindly ask you to place this pamphlet to the side, and briefly take the time to thumb through the provided North Face catalog. We will continue with this guide to Chicago once you have selected and obtained each of the following: (1) a minimum of one North Face jacket, preferably in the Triclimate style; (2) a minimum of two North Face accessories, of which we recommend the North Face Ear Gear and the North Face E-Tip Glove; and, (3) a minimum of three North Face Shirts and Sweaters, two of which must be of the 1/4 zip style. Begin.
Greetings, and we welcome you once again to fine city of Chicago! Now that you have selected the proper urban attire, expect indoctrination to run smoother and with more haste here in the City of Neighborhoods. Which brings us to your next step, choosing the neighborhood you will now call home. Selecting a neighborhood will open the doors to nearly every conversation you can expect to engage in with fellow Chicagoans, as common introductory meetings consist of defining the nearest major intersections to your home, your specific neighborhood, and where it lies in relation to every other neighborhood within the city and its adjacent suburbs. Once you have made a choice, take pride in your neighborhood. Keep a running list of each of the local businesses that give your neighborhood character, that provide it with flavor, and then support these businesses through window shopping and browsing, making sure to thank any and all proprietors for allowing you to look at their merchandise. Once neigborhood pride has been obtained, reward yourself with a trip to the nearest Target or SuperTarget and load up on the savings!
After an average of four months of living in your new neighborhood, you will more than likely receive a congratulatory letter in the mail, assuming it doesn't get delivered elsewhere or discarded by your mail carrier. This letter will notify you that you have graduated to a new level of residential status, and you will be rewarded with the "Self-Righteous Hypocrisy" card, in which you are now allowed to complain about how the neighborhood isn't what it used to be since all of these stupid Yuppies started moving in and gentrifying the area. Celebrate with the right to never again disclose how long you have lived in the 'hood and a Grande Peppermint Mocha Twist Frappuchino from the local Starbucks.
At this point you should be accustomed enough to your new surroundings to have properly decorated your humble abode, yet we will go over the basics in case you either need assistance or have simply done things wrong. Most wall hangings qualify as acceptable art in the city of Chicago, so allow your personality to shine through when you can. Yet there are a few requirements, so keep these in mind when shopping to fill those walls. One must hang each of the following: (1) A Panoramic view of the city's skyline, preferably at night, extra points awarded if said photograph captures lightening striking; (2) A map of the city's neighborhoods, so that when company arrives, you can use the index finger of one hand to point to your neighborhood while simultaneously using the index finger of the opposite hand to point to each guest's respective neighborhood, and then analyze the found data; (3) Any reminder of "Old Chicago," whether it be a series of black and white photographs from the early part of the 20th century, a vintage poster featuring an advertisement for Chicago tourism, or a light up Old Style sign. Under no circumstances will you be permitted to hang artwork by Thomas Kinkade or Anne Gedes. All furniture should be black to counterbalance the lack of African Americans now residing in your area. Whenever and wherever possible, place photos of you and your friends doing very Chicago things. Accent by placing clues of your college educated yet nonconformist attitude haphazardly throughout the apartment, such as unread copies of the Chicago Reader, a dog-eared Jack Kerouac novel, the jewel case to the latest avant garde jazz fusion sensation CD, and rolled up signed and limited edition silkscreen concert bills from 2002.
Next buy a dog. Leave the dog in cramped conditions at most times. Walk the dog sparingly, so that when you leave the house, it jumps all over oncoming strangers. Allow the dog to own the sidewalk, forcing those passing by into the grass. Occasionally pick up the dog's droppings. Stop and talk to other people out walking dogs. Allow the dogs to sniff one another. Explain to the other dog walkers about your dog's personality, and then allow them to tell you about theirs. Exchange humorous dog stories. Return home and keep your dog inside for several more days. Repeat. On days in which you leave the dog inside to bark and remind your neighbors of his/her existence, take up a hobby, of which there's only one option. Jogging. Jog in the morning. Jog in the afternoon. Jog in the late hours of the evening. Jog at times that cause everyone who sees you jogging to wonder what your occupation is that allows you the freedom of jogging at 7:20 in the morning, at 2:45 in the afternoon, at 9:30 at night. Jog and think about sports, because picking a team is your next step to being a Chicagoan.
Picking a favorite Chicago sports team is a long and arduous process. Expect little return on your loyalty investment. While you may root for all Chicago sports teams, expressing so without actually selecting a favorite will ostracize you from most social situations, essentially forcing you to move out to Oak Park. If you are unsure about which team to pick, allow us to assist you in making your choice. If you refuse to see the correlation between extended skin exposure to below freezing temperatures and the contracting of hypothermia, dream of a world in which a man can marry a never ending supply of nacho cheese, believe we have yet to see the last of mustaches, and spend more hours obsessing over the status of Brett Favre rather than the status of your team, then you would love rooting for the Chicago Bears. If you are afraid of commitment and yearn for the days when white guys named Larry ruled the world, cheer for the Chicago Bulls. There are two things to remember if you are going to be a Bulls fan. (1) The NBA hasn't been worth watching since Michael "Air" Jordan left the game. (2) Possess no knowledge of how to argue for this case. This means do not learn the names of any current NBA players, do not follow the game until your team is winning, and when watching, claim that every third ball possession contains at least two travels, one double dribble, and seven "thugs." If you claim that alcohol can only make you drunk while on the North Side of Chicago, root for the Chicago White Sox. Carry an attitude of you against the world, take greater pleasure in a Cubs loss than in a Sox win, and forever bask in the glory of that one year of your life when everything fell into place and you got lucky. Become a Cubs fan if you want to know how disappointment really feels again and again and again. Throw the words "hope" and "tradition" around as if they actually bear any meaning. Philosophize over your team representing the greater struggle of man. Tie yourself to the train tracks of 100 years of history and then feel the weight of it all as your bones are crushed by a steam engine named Reality. Pick yourself up and pretend it never happened. Or root for the Blackhawks. It's kind of like being an indie rock fan, in which you can pretty much tell people anything and they'll have no way of knowing if it's true or not. Jonathon Toews, Bob Mould, Steve Albini, Chris Chelios, Bobby Hull and J Masics might be six of the all-time great Blackhawks, or they might be the latest incarnation of the Melvins. Who really knows?
Finally, it's time to explore the night life of Chicago. You need to pick a bar. That's it. Pick one. Pick a bar based on how undesirable the crowd is, and then hold it over your friends' heads when they don't want to go there. Pick a bar in which you may walk into it with two kidneys. Pick a bar that has swill for beer, and then claim anyone not drinking the PBR/Schlitz/Blatz, etc. on special is a white collar piece of shit. Or pick a bar that talks about beer in terms of hops and IPAs and stouts and looks down their noses at anyone that dares to desire a domestic. Pick a bar and pick a seat. Claim that seat. Then bitch about how you can't smoke in that damn seat anymore. Then bitch about Mayor Daley, not so much about the blatant cycle of nepotism, but rather about the price increases on parking meters and mass transit. Then bitch about the Olympics. We should have them. No we shouldn't. Sit in that seat and tell stories about your grandparents, about how they use to be bootleggers or buy from bootleggers or get shaken down by bootleggers, pepper these stories with terms like "distilleries" and "mafia" and "capone" and "hooch" and "tommy guns." Sit in that seat and get to know the bartenders, sit in that seat and sing along to the jukebox, sit in that seat and bitch again about how you can't smoke in that seat anymore, sit in that seat and fall asleep, sit in that seat and wake up and teach them kids new slurs for minorities, sit in that seat and enjoy.
The city of Chicago covers a wide geographical distance and has a wide variety of interests to appeal to a wide variety of people. Once you realize that most of the people and places aren't for you, you can begin narrowing your options of places to go and shrinking your circle of people to know. Once again, welcome to Chicago! We know you're going to love it here!
Greetings, and Welcome to Chicago!
First things first. While we know you are anxious to settle in and explore all of the beauty and wonder that our fine city has to offer, we cannot allow you to begin without first looking the part. Therefore we kindly ask you to place this pamphlet to the side, and briefly take the time to thumb through the provided North Face catalog. We will continue with this guide to Chicago once you have selected and obtained each of the following: (1) a minimum of one North Face jacket, preferably in the Triclimate style; (2) a minimum of two North Face accessories, of which we recommend the North Face Ear Gear and the North Face E-Tip Glove; and, (3) a minimum of three North Face Shirts and Sweaters, two of which must be of the 1/4 zip style. Begin.
Greetings, and we welcome you once again to fine city of Chicago! Now that you have selected the proper urban attire, expect indoctrination to run smoother and with more haste here in the City of Neighborhoods. Which brings us to your next step, choosing the neighborhood you will now call home. Selecting a neighborhood will open the doors to nearly every conversation you can expect to engage in with fellow Chicagoans, as common introductory meetings consist of defining the nearest major intersections to your home, your specific neighborhood, and where it lies in relation to every other neighborhood within the city and its adjacent suburbs. Once you have made a choice, take pride in your neighborhood. Keep a running list of each of the local businesses that give your neighborhood character, that provide it with flavor, and then support these businesses through window shopping and browsing, making sure to thank any and all proprietors for allowing you to look at their merchandise. Once neigborhood pride has been obtained, reward yourself with a trip to the nearest Target or SuperTarget and load up on the savings!
After an average of four months of living in your new neighborhood, you will more than likely receive a congratulatory letter in the mail, assuming it doesn't get delivered elsewhere or discarded by your mail carrier. This letter will notify you that you have graduated to a new level of residential status, and you will be rewarded with the "Self-Righteous Hypocrisy" card, in which you are now allowed to complain about how the neighborhood isn't what it used to be since all of these stupid Yuppies started moving in and gentrifying the area. Celebrate with the right to never again disclose how long you have lived in the 'hood and a Grande Peppermint Mocha Twist Frappuchino from the local Starbucks.
At this point you should be accustomed enough to your new surroundings to have properly decorated your humble abode, yet we will go over the basics in case you either need assistance or have simply done things wrong. Most wall hangings qualify as acceptable art in the city of Chicago, so allow your personality to shine through when you can. Yet there are a few requirements, so keep these in mind when shopping to fill those walls. One must hang each of the following: (1) A Panoramic view of the city's skyline, preferably at night, extra points awarded if said photograph captures lightening striking; (2) A map of the city's neighborhoods, so that when company arrives, you can use the index finger of one hand to point to your neighborhood while simultaneously using the index finger of the opposite hand to point to each guest's respective neighborhood, and then analyze the found data; (3) Any reminder of "Old Chicago," whether it be a series of black and white photographs from the early part of the 20th century, a vintage poster featuring an advertisement for Chicago tourism, or a light up Old Style sign. Under no circumstances will you be permitted to hang artwork by Thomas Kinkade or Anne Gedes. All furniture should be black to counterbalance the lack of African Americans now residing in your area. Whenever and wherever possible, place photos of you and your friends doing very Chicago things. Accent by placing clues of your college educated yet nonconformist attitude haphazardly throughout the apartment, such as unread copies of the Chicago Reader, a dog-eared Jack Kerouac novel, the jewel case to the latest avant garde jazz fusion sensation CD, and rolled up signed and limited edition silkscreen concert bills from 2002.
Next buy a dog. Leave the dog in cramped conditions at most times. Walk the dog sparingly, so that when you leave the house, it jumps all over oncoming strangers. Allow the dog to own the sidewalk, forcing those passing by into the grass. Occasionally pick up the dog's droppings. Stop and talk to other people out walking dogs. Allow the dogs to sniff one another. Explain to the other dog walkers about your dog's personality, and then allow them to tell you about theirs. Exchange humorous dog stories. Return home and keep your dog inside for several more days. Repeat. On days in which you leave the dog inside to bark and remind your neighbors of his/her existence, take up a hobby, of which there's only one option. Jogging. Jog in the morning. Jog in the afternoon. Jog in the late hours of the evening. Jog at times that cause everyone who sees you jogging to wonder what your occupation is that allows you the freedom of jogging at 7:20 in the morning, at 2:45 in the afternoon, at 9:30 at night. Jog and think about sports, because picking a team is your next step to being a Chicagoan.
Picking a favorite Chicago sports team is a long and arduous process. Expect little return on your loyalty investment. While you may root for all Chicago sports teams, expressing so without actually selecting a favorite will ostracize you from most social situations, essentially forcing you to move out to Oak Park. If you are unsure about which team to pick, allow us to assist you in making your choice. If you refuse to see the correlation between extended skin exposure to below freezing temperatures and the contracting of hypothermia, dream of a world in which a man can marry a never ending supply of nacho cheese, believe we have yet to see the last of mustaches, and spend more hours obsessing over the status of Brett Favre rather than the status of your team, then you would love rooting for the Chicago Bears. If you are afraid of commitment and yearn for the days when white guys named Larry ruled the world, cheer for the Chicago Bulls. There are two things to remember if you are going to be a Bulls fan. (1) The NBA hasn't been worth watching since Michael "Air" Jordan left the game. (2) Possess no knowledge of how to argue for this case. This means do not learn the names of any current NBA players, do not follow the game until your team is winning, and when watching, claim that every third ball possession contains at least two travels, one double dribble, and seven "thugs." If you claim that alcohol can only make you drunk while on the North Side of Chicago, root for the Chicago White Sox. Carry an attitude of you against the world, take greater pleasure in a Cubs loss than in a Sox win, and forever bask in the glory of that one year of your life when everything fell into place and you got lucky. Become a Cubs fan if you want to know how disappointment really feels again and again and again. Throw the words "hope" and "tradition" around as if they actually bear any meaning. Philosophize over your team representing the greater struggle of man. Tie yourself to the train tracks of 100 years of history and then feel the weight of it all as your bones are crushed by a steam engine named Reality. Pick yourself up and pretend it never happened. Or root for the Blackhawks. It's kind of like being an indie rock fan, in which you can pretty much tell people anything and they'll have no way of knowing if it's true or not. Jonathon Toews, Bob Mould, Steve Albini, Chris Chelios, Bobby Hull and J Masics might be six of the all-time great Blackhawks, or they might be the latest incarnation of the Melvins. Who really knows?
Finally, it's time to explore the night life of Chicago. You need to pick a bar. That's it. Pick one. Pick a bar based on how undesirable the crowd is, and then hold it over your friends' heads when they don't want to go there. Pick a bar in which you may walk into it with two kidneys. Pick a bar that has swill for beer, and then claim anyone not drinking the PBR/Schlitz/Blatz, etc. on special is a white collar piece of shit. Or pick a bar that talks about beer in terms of hops and IPAs and stouts and looks down their noses at anyone that dares to desire a domestic. Pick a bar and pick a seat. Claim that seat. Then bitch about how you can't smoke in that damn seat anymore. Then bitch about Mayor Daley, not so much about the blatant cycle of nepotism, but rather about the price increases on parking meters and mass transit. Then bitch about the Olympics. We should have them. No we shouldn't. Sit in that seat and tell stories about your grandparents, about how they use to be bootleggers or buy from bootleggers or get shaken down by bootleggers, pepper these stories with terms like "distilleries" and "mafia" and "capone" and "hooch" and "tommy guns." Sit in that seat and get to know the bartenders, sit in that seat and sing along to the jukebox, sit in that seat and bitch again about how you can't smoke in that seat anymore, sit in that seat and fall asleep, sit in that seat and wake up and teach them kids new slurs for minorities, sit in that seat and enjoy.
The city of Chicago covers a wide geographical distance and has a wide variety of interests to appeal to a wide variety of people. Once you realize that most of the people and places aren't for you, you can begin narrowing your options of places to go and shrinking your circle of people to know. Once again, welcome to Chicago! We know you're going to love it here!
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