The Battle Between the Brianas and the Briannas

Brianas don't like Briannas, and Briannas absolutely abhor Brianas. Ask them why, and you'll be sorry you ever did. Whether it's a Briana telling you the shortcomings of a Brianna, or a Brianna setting you straight on the inferiority of a Briana, you won't be given many opportunities to ask questions regarding this matter. Instead you'll suffer from the following afflictions: slight inflammation of the ears due to the rapid speed at which a series of meaningless and undecipherable words travel through their passageways; dry mouth from a bottom lip left dangling in disbelief, anxiously awaiting for a breath to be taken so you can throw out just one of the 68 cents that you compiled in the past 68 seconds; and motion sickness from the rapid darting of your eyes, both orbitals searching for each alternative outlet within the surrounding area that could provide greater interest than this cursed conversation.

Your initial impression is more than likely that the hatred exists because of the difference in spelling bewteen Briana and Brianna. The truth is, though, that that may just be a mere trick of the writer here, as no one, Brianas and Briannas aside, even knows if such a difference does in fact exist. I've only included the variation in spellings so that the reader does not become confused when I say that Brianas loathe Briannas more than Briannas do Brianas, and instead think that Briannas possess a greater hate for their counterpart. (For example, the sentence Brianas loathe Briannas more than Briannas do Brianas would, without the provided variant, read as Briannas loathe Briannas more than Briannas do Briannas.)

The real issue that causes such disparity between the two parties is over the slight difference in pronunciation. Brianna is pronounced traditionally (which I'm sure will upset some Brianas upon reading this, while making the more prideful one even prouder), with the last syllable being spoken in the same manner as the name Anna. Briana, however, stresses the latter syllable, producing a Bree-on-uh. In the Germanic tongue, this would simply be the difference between possessing an umlaut and not possessing an umlaut. But alas, Brianas and Briannas sadly hate each other too much to be bothered with thinking about umlauts or the Germanic tribes of the world and how they realte to the matter at hand.

Brianas become extremely offended by a commoner referring to them as a Brianna, and will quickly retort with the corrected pronunciation, highly exaggerating the stress that should have been placed on the "on" portion. They will not tolerate this mistake more than three times from any one individual, as such an offense results in banishment from any future conversation. Brianas view themselves as superior to Briannas, and if they sense that these slips of the tongue are being done in jest, they are not afraid to have some dude named Blake or Chaz threaten to kick your ass if such disrespect persists. Furthermore, if a Brianna is even in the same room as a Briana, the Briana will refuse to make eye contact with her out of fear that it may in fact transform her into a sniveling, grovelling, unrefined whore of a Brianna.

Such self-righteousness from Brianas explains the previous statement that Brianas loathe Briannas more than Briannas do Brianas. Briannas resent the feeling of superiority held by Brianas, seeing it as an attempt to distance themselves from the plight experienced by all girls nicknamed Bree that has existed for ages. Briannas hope for a movement in which all Brees worldwide create a common front and unite against the adolescent males of the world that fail to distinguish between the two parties, opting instead to sit behind either one in a high school biology classroom in an effort to accumulate a new record of spitwads in the grips of their layered haircuts while simultaneously dropping pencils and pens in hopes of catching a glimpse up their skirts. Briannas recognize that Brianas view themselves as the only victims of this daily atrocity, and thus see them as traitors to the Bree namesake.

So what can be learned from this ongoing dilemma, which seems to have no end to its cycle of hatred and despair in the forseeable future? Researchers from every field have been gathering data, performing experiments and tests and postulating theories over the relationship between the causations of this quandary as well as possible outcomes that may derive if and when a truce is ever established. Their findings are shocking. From the deabte between religious fundamentalists and gay rights activists, to the divide bewteen proponents of pro-life and pro-choice, to advocates for and against funding for stem-cell research, all the way down to economy involving recent debates over big box companies--not a single dispute on the face of this globe would change at all if Brianas and Briannas decided to put their differences aside. Because while Brianas and Briannas spend countless hours attacking and villifying, sabotaging and mud-slinging, hating one another to the grave, everyone else in the world can't stand either one of them.